Fernand-Oh-No Torres...
Reports yesterday that Spanish wonderboy Fernando Torres may sign for man united, snubbing London giants Arsenal and also, snubbing Chelsea. The Spanish striker has been linked with a move to England for a while, previously Arsenal being favourites for his signature, but since his outstanding performances his price tag has risen, his head now to big to fit through the front door of Ashburton Grove... Spurs are also said to be sniffing around like normal...

Todays World Cup Arsenal Involvement Special:
Brazil v Ghana at 4pm, featuring Gilbert O'Silva, and then at 8pm, it's France v Spain. Jose Antonio Reyes and The Cesc will feature for Spain, and Thierry Henry, Sylvain Wiltord, Patrick Vieira will do the business for France. Expect a 2-1 win for Brazil, and and 2-2 draw between Spain and France, the Spaniards easing through in extra time...

Jens Wants England...
Mental, crazy horse Jens Lehmann reckons an England v Germany World Cup final would be a dream for him. With just Portugal, Argentina and Brazil standing in the way of such an unprecedented event, what can possibly go wrong?

Lehmann said: "That would be a dream, the final anyway, but then against England, that would be the greatest for me personally. Certainly the respect is growing, you know the cliche about the Germans being a tournament team, with everyone writing them off and then them being triumphant again. We managed to do just that..." Lehmann has kept three clean sheets in a row for the hosts, who are arguably the in-form team of the tournament, while England are just playing a bit shit...

Schpursh Misshon...
Fresh from the unusual situation of being on a winning side, the Spurs/England players are said to be taking a lot from the England World Cup performances. Heavy boned liar Martin Jol has said: "We're going to take a leaf out of Englandsh book, they are playing shite and winning, and as a unit, Spurs are half way there on that already..." You may remember, despite being fourth for virtually the whole season, Spurs f*cked it up on the last day in the whole 'pretending to have food poisoning' scandal, losing to West Ham, while we said goodbye to Highbury while beating Wigan 4-2, leapfrogging the underacheiving scum into the final Champions League space...

Cole Can't Relax...
Best left back in the World Ashley Cole has expressed his discomfort about not being able to relax under the media pressure surrounding Englands World Cup bid. He said: "Can you enjoy the World Cup with so much pressure on England? To be honest, you can't. I think maybe afterwards you would look back and enjoy it if you realised you had won the World Cup, but there is a lot of pressure on us, If we had lost to Ecuador on Sunday, we would have been killed by you guys (the media). We are expected to win, and if we don't win the World Cup, then there is going to be a lot of disappointment for a lot of people..."

"We are not going as well as we can and but we are in the quarter-finals, so hopefully there is more to come from us. We know it is going to be harder against Portugal, but there are possibly three games left and I think the bigger the challenge for England, the better we will become and the bigger the performance you will get..."

Talking about the amazing blocked challenge which saved Paul Robinson's blushes for England, Ashley said: "For England I think that early challenge against Ecuador is one of the most crucial I have made. It would have been hard to play against a side like that team when 1-0 down..."

Becks Ill...
During Saturday's win over Ecuador, England Captain was sick no less than three times. One of Beckhams advisers said: "He was up and down in the Loos all morning, so it came as no surprise..." Rebecca refused to comment.

Sidwell for Citeh?
Manchester City have emerged as the favourites to sign former APY (Arsenal Promising Youngster) as he turns down a new deal at Reading. Manchester City are expected to table a £2.5m bid for the midfielder who has just a year to tun on his current Royals contract...

Taking the Mikael...
Jose Antonio Reyes has poured scorn on man united's lippy defender Mikael Silvestre after Silvestre raked up the racist past of Luis Aragones. You may remember him from such racist incidents as the one where he made comments about Reyes team mate Thierry Henry. "I think it is nonsense for Silvestre to try and heat up the game and it is because they are nervous about being eliminated by Spain. Henry knows well that Aragones is not a racist person. I do not even know if it is true what the Manchester United player has said about our manager, but he is making a big mistake if he is calling him racist. This was all cleared up 18 months ago so I don’t understand why he has to talk about this topic now..."