FrankTV - available in Widescreen only. Channel 88.

Despite all eyes being on Top Four Tottenhams Premiership challenge, and how they're only one point behind Champions Man United, with just 37 games left, all eyes are on the big two, Spurs and Chelsea as they battle it out for top spot.

Spurs can of course go joint top this week as they play Everton at White Hart Lane, but as the exciting season comes to a climax with just over 10 months to go, the worldwide global brand known as Chelsea continues to spread it's putred, mercenary disease across the once beautiful game, the latest exploitation exploration is the introduction of Big Frank Lampard's very own TV channel, FrankTV.

Frank Lampard is such a wonderful, powerful, overweight, overrated, and underacheiving commodity, that he already has his own blimp, an inflatable Sumo Suit Set for those of you who fancy a cheeky wrestle and he even has his own range of cakes, pies and cooking lard. The boy is quite literally going places, well he will be once they winch him out of his front room via a hole in the wall of his £719m mansion in Balti Towers. Frank also remains the only professional footballer to have his own postcode - amazing stuff...*

* thanks to Jimmy Tarbuck, circa 1987 for that one.

The amazing exclusive TV footage will apparently show banter between the players in the Chelsea dressing room, and Frank pretending he knows what Ronaldinho is on about at the World Player of the Year Awards. He's also shown as quite the family man and it says, it does, that he says that he 'loves his food' - well, no sh*t Sherlock.

Surprisingly in a shock twist, you can see Frank larking around wth his Dad Frank 'Franky Frank' Lampard, and his cousin (don't say you didn't know...) Jamie Redknapp. The channel will be available via Orange apparently, which amazingly is exactly the same colour as Franks wife Elen Degeneres, you know the one what's a lesbian that isn't Roseanne...

Anyways, here at ArsenalShorts, we have amazingly, and yes, we're amazed how often this happens, managed to get our hands on a leaked memo from FrankTV's offices, detailing some of the tremendous programmes scheduled for Franks debut on the small screen.

09:00 - Slim'll Fix It...
When his Chelsea side are 0-0 on 87 minutes, at grounds all round the Premiership and Europe and there's no shot on, Slim'll Fix It with one of his amazing undeserved deflections, Thanks Slim! 1-0 Chelsea™.

10:00 ChiPs
Frank talks us through his favourite pre-, during and post-training/match/dinner nibble...

11:00 - I Predict a Diet...
Popular pop group The Kaiser Cheifs explain what they think could possibly help Frank in his bid to shed those few unecessary ounces...

11:30 - Lamps Live Lunch...
In this incredible, live broadcast, course by course, Frank talks us through his lunchtime menu, and how his crazy physique takes it's bizarre, hypnotic shape... (This show may overrun, subsequent programming may be affected).

15:30 - Countdown followed by Don't Forget Your Toothbrush.
Frank's lovely wife... think we might leave that one...

16:00 - Deal or No Deal?
Frank takes us through his contract wranglings, and explains just why him and John Terry are the highest paid players in Britain, despite only having two Premiership trophies to show for it and why even Gilles Grimandi has as many Championship medals as them two put together.

16:30 - Huge Big Framed...
The big, fat lass what used to be off Emmerdale takes us through Franks home video collection, not including the now infamous Ibiza collection which Rio Ferdinand is currently 'looking after'...

17:00 - Defelction, Deflecion, Deflection...
Along with podgy faced Kirstie Worktop, Frank takes us around all 93 league grounds, and shows us his favourite goals and the numerous different zig-zag richochets they took en route to goal.

17:35 - Neighbours...
Frank and his better looking but even more bland, personality-less cousin Jamie Redknapp compare their respective 'big' club's five cumulative top flight Championship wins compared to Arsenal's thirteen...

18:00 - 24...
In this show filmed in real time, Big Frank talks about his club record of roast dinners in one afternoon sitting...

20:00 - Lost...
A book critic on what happened to his will to live when he attempted to read Franks book 'Frankly Boring Old Bollocks'...

20:55 - Weather...
...or not Frank will score over ten deflected goals this season... Yes. He will.

21:00 - Weigh-Botch...
After telling (and eating) some porkies, telling his production company that he weighs 9 stone, Frank goes on holiday to spend some time with the LA lifeguards with hilarious consequences as he tries to squeeze his larger than life beach body into a smaller than life pair of red Speedos...

22:00 - Heroes
In a new series, Frank takes us through his favourite box of chocolates one by one. Sponsored by Cadburys.

That concludes the programming for FrankTV, let us know if you can think of any more, the usual address, and listen readers, if its anything near as interesting as his book, yawn, we're in for one hell of a ride and a half on FrankTV.

Roll VT..........