Theo Vows to Turn Things Around...
On the back of what wasn't the greatest season for Arsenal, it seems young Theo Walcott has taken to heart a lot of the comments written about him and has vowed to clean up his act this summer. At one stage, Theo was staying up until gone eleven, TWO days before a match, and one weekend, even had a can of Top Deck on the eve of an important game.

Theo has gone clean off the rails since he started taking advice of well-reknowned party animal Vic Akers, and actually found himself sobbing** outside the gates of The Priory* one afternoon, thats how bad things had got for the clean cut, self-confessed wing demon. Akers has ruined the careers of promising young players such as David Hillier (bag-snatching midget) David Bentley (big head), Ashley Cole (removed for legal reasons), and Jermaine Pennant (over-tattooed, gypo). These promising players all went on to self-destruct after Akers left a lasting impression on them, namely his Kenny Lynch/Mavis from Coronation Street combo.

Theo's girlfriend's family have been sympathetic to the young Hampshireman's cause though, despite coming from a rock and roll background themselves and knowing the full implications of living in the public eye. Melanie Slade's Dad, Noddy Holder was quick to defend, the indefensible winger: "Bloody hell, in my day (back in the 70s) you could lose 4 days down to sex, drugs and rock and roll, and still get home in time for the original series of Life On Mars. No one would even notice. These days, the footballers don't know they're born, but our Melanies' Theo seems to be a good boy, he's just gone off the rails, I blame Akers."

Akers seems to have born the full brunt of Theo's demise, even being blamed for Theo's gambling addiction. It's come to light through a very reliable ArsenalShorts source (i.e. TribalFootball) that Theo actually bet a four figure sum on this year's Grand National, putting over £12.50 to win on Mickey Channon's horse African Sunset on The Aker's advice. If you add to this the rumoured dependancy on Blue Smarties, and his girlfriends reported refusal to join the WAGs, it adds up to paint a pretty grave picture.

Theo has more skeletons in his closet, even sailing close to the wind at Buckingham Palace on a recent visit: "My Mum and Dad were so proud of me when we went to meet the Queen, but I let them down there as well - I had a cold, and actually had some Lockets in my suit jacket. Luckily we were not searched, but I dread to think what would have happened if we had been. I had watched Grange Hill so was aware of the implications of drugs smuggling, the one where they went on the barge, but I didn't care. I just bought them in Boots, and hoped I'd get away with it. After the day, I was so upset with myself that I'd been so stupid, that I went on another booze bender, my Mum had thrown away a bottle of Schloer, and I went crazy, I finished off the bottle, thought it was make things better - but it didn't. It just made me wee..."

However, Theo has been speaking out about his niaive antics, and vows to turn things around. He said: "It's true, I did stay up late one night, and even tried some Top Deck one weekend, but I had just signed a multi-million pound boot deal and wanted to celebrate with my family. My gambling addiction is now under control until at least April next year, and I've knocked the blue Smarties on the head forever, they gave me headaches, and a blue toungue. My advice to kids is stay off the booze, gambling and anything with E110 (absorpic acid - blue) in it, and stay away from anyone wandering around The Emirates who has VA on his tracksuit. I'll be back next season faster and better than ever..."

Good luck Theo, under that crazy, bad boy exterior, we know there is a clean cut Arsenal player and we hope to see him back on show come August next season. Good luck, hope you can find it within yourself to beat your demons. It won't be easy...

ArsenalShorts.com 2008.

*The Priory - a nice garden centre on the outskirts of Southampton. **Stubbed his toe getting out of his Bugati Veryon.