My Diary

08:11:04
MUFC 4-1 Sparta Prague and MUFC 0-0 MCFC...
Well, they say that a proper hat trick is one with your left peg, one with your right and a header. Well, I have rewritten the record books, and scored one with each leg in our 4-0 win over Sparta Prague. I got the macthball, some hay and my mane was trimmed by the Nevilles as a reward.

My ban wasn't the best, I don't think Alex is too happy with me - just for that one stamp on that diver Ashley Cole, I have missed two league games when we have lost 2-0 and drawn 0-0 at home, I haven't been getting as many sugary cube based treats as normal, but have been ridden hard by Wayne Rooney, it seems he can't get enough of my leathery old saddlebags, he loves it!

Good to see Alan Smith flying in with some quality 2 footed tackles, I am so proud of Wayne and Alan, they are learning so fast, and Heinze is also full of beans and learning all of my trademark dives very quickly.

Still not much to write about, I 'Ascot meself back in the saddle this week though, so as always don't forget to send your news and horse based puns here at rvncheat@arsenalshorts.com

Your Favourite Now Unbanned Cheater Ruud.

30:10:04
Portsmouth 2-0 Man United...
The second game of my ban today, Portsmouth away, wished I wasn't banned now, cos we lost... again. That new fat kid and that new skinny kid with the purple lips couldn't hit a donkey's arse with a banjo, wish I'd have pleaded my obvious innocence now. Also, with me missing, and Mike (Riley) not playing this week, we didn't stand a chance, the ref was well bent, he even gave a penalty to Portsmouth!

Turns out that Rooney is one of them England players who likes a bet, he told me he did sixty grans last week, that is a lot of money in England. Rio told me he did 50 grams last week as well, their betting problems are getting bad.

Still very upset that Arsene Wenger called me a cheat again, and my trainer, I mean manager Alex wants to bring him to book, and is telling his friends at the FA all about him. I know I pleaded guilty to violent conduct for that viscious, deliberate stamp on Ashley Cole, so by definition I did cheat, but I don't want things being stirred up again. I'd like to let sleeping horses lie (cheat, dive, maim etc).

Anyway readers, just one more game to serve, and my ban is complete, I just have to sit out of the game v Manchester City, and I'm free to roam the pitches of England once again. Can't wait, can you...? (At least I might get some more decent material and diving horsed based jokes for my diary page... Zzzz.............)

Send your news and horse based puns here at rvncheat@arsenalshorts.com

Your Favourite Cheating Dutchman Ruud.

29:10:04
Ashley Cole to Sue ME...?
I read with interest this morning that Ashley Cole is thinking about suing me, well his agent is anyway. I can't beleive it, I didn't do nuffin', nor nuffin, I wasn't even there. I would like to try and avoid the courts if possible, I find it hard to get into the witness box, it reminds me of the box Alex uses to take me to away games, not very nice, seen better days and smells of wee, and the box doesn't smell to clever either.

It seems as though things have calmed down a bit now, and despite my two game ban, I shou--- what's that Alex...? oh, yeah... er... despite my THREE game ban, I think the headlines are about someone else for a few days, it seems those crazy English boys like to have a bet on the horses. One had me for first scorer on Sunday, and won himself a packet, glad me and Mike could be of service, lads.

Ok, best go, as the horse puns are drying up, par for the course during these busy times, the jokes just get a bit filly after a while. Hay ho, back soon readers!

Send your diary entries to my horse (in)box at rvncheat@arsenalshorts.com

Your Favourite Banned Cheat Ruud.

26:10:04
Banned for My Tackle...
I can't beleive it, where is Mikey when you need him, the FA launched a stewards enquiry and have banned me for 3 races, I mean games, its almost like a National Hunt where I'm concerned. When Ashley Cole kicked the studs of my boot with his trailing knee, I thought he would get sent off, but no, it was ME who was punished - they threw the bookie at me, I can't believe it.

However, Alex's friends at the FA managed to rush through the charge so I can miss our league cup game (whatever that is) and now I'll miss a game against Portsmouth and our derby with Man City - it's a shame I'll miss the derby, the last time I took part in that I finished second by a short face.

Lots of stuff in the papers today about the nosebags after the game on Sunday claiming that I went into the Arsenal dressing room, but its all nonsense. There was nothing more that a few swear words, and a couple of insults thrown, and where we'd get Pizza and soup from I don't know. Our new boss Malcolm provides the players with hot dogs, pretzels and hamburgers along with piss weak beer and granary on rye over easy sandwiches, sunny side up. I don't know what any of that is, 'cos, like my Jose Antonio Reyes seeking chums the Nevilles, I too have special needs, I just need to dive down to my mock tudor stables for my sugarlumps and peppermints and I'm well away.

Righto, I might be a bit quiet now for a couple of weeks, cos of the ban, looks like I'll need to revenge on Ashley Cole now in February, funny it's not like me to take a fence... Mail me with your comments at: rvcheat@arsenalshorts.com

Your Favourite Banned Cheat Ruud.

25:10:04
CMUFC 2-0 Arsenal
Another visit from Arsenal, another fight, what does that tell you...? They are so dirty those Gunners, Ashley Cole was almost crying with rage after he tried to damage my foot with his knee, I was so angry I can tell you, and the way Jose Antonio Reyes kept trying to stand in the way of my friends, the Neville's when all they were trying to do was slide through two footed to get the ball, makes me so angry - at least Mike was there to keep order, and he did it very fairly as well, just like he always does.

There was a big fight after the game, yet again, no neigh'd to ask whose fault it was, yep, you guessed it, it was them foal dirty Gunners again. Arsene Wenger called me a cheat again, I have to say I'm getting sick of it, he keeps on saying it, and almost every manager whose team I play against says it now, thanks Arsene look what you have started. Even International managers are at it including my own.

Click here to check out me and Mike's picture page...

Well, readers its good to be back, help yourself to the rest of my site, I'll try and get it updated soon, don't forget to send me anything you might find useful - rvncheat@arsenalshorts.com

I'm Back, Your Favourite Cheating Horse Faced B*stard, Ruud.

OLD STUFF FROM THE LAST TIME IT HAPPENED:

03:11:03
CMUFC 3-0 Pompey
Another cracking win for in-form Man U, late goals from er... just about everone except me saw us keep the pressure up on Arsenal and Chelsea. I don't know what's happened to my form lately, I haven't scored for months. Hey ho, we have got Rangers this week though, and it's at Old Trafford in the Champions League, that means a dead cert penalty, should see me back to winning ways, as long as I don't spoon it over the bar like I did when I f*cked up against Arsenal.

Anyways, I'd like to 'how you say?' bury the hatchet in Patrick Vieira, I think our spat (sorry Patrick) has gone on long enough and I just want to draw a line under it. I am extended an olive branch for Patrick to shove, so we can be friends again. All I did was kick him and bundle him to the ground, I didn't ask for him to be sent off, well, ok I did, but I didn't mean it, well, ok I did. But, then I missed the penalty on purpose for you Patrick, I did... well ok...

Got to run (in the 4:20 at York) so see you soon, if they take these pesky blinkers off...!

Your Favourite Champions League Cheating Horse Faced B*stard, Ruud

31:10:03
Post Arsenal Punishment
So, the FA have acted, and punished Arsenal for what they did at Old Trafford, I don't personally think it was enough. I mean they came and won a point at Old Trafford, that doesn't happen, they should have had points deducted and we should have had points added, I mean maybe I would have scored that penalty if they weren't so naughty...?

We beat Rangers last week with another trouncing 1-0 victory, we are on fire, our new striker Phillip Neville on the scoresheet. Anyway onto the Fulham game, I was brilliant in this game and I just don't know what went wrong. I was diving all over the place and sulking and not only did we not win, but we didn't get our traditional OT penalty. I think Alex said the FA are easing up while they punish Arsenal and let off Rio, Ryan and Ronaldo so no one gets suspicious. That goal that little Inamoto scored was sublime, I wonder where he learnt to finish like that, I need lessons...

Alex was not best pleased after the game against Fulham, and I am on half rations of sugar lumps and hay and am being forced to wear that really uncomfortable sadlde, just because I haven't scored for a few weeks. I'll be back, at a gallop you'll see...

Bye for now...!

Your Favourite Premiership Cheat, Ruud

20:10:03
Post Leeds, Pre-Rangers Week
Another great win for the boys, another convincing Championship winning 1-0 win over Leeds United thanks to a jammy Roy Keane goal in the 81st minute. I didn't score again, and we didn't even get a penalty this week, I think with all of the furore over Rio's drug habit, Alex might have forgotten to pay the FA this week. Still, we are back in the Champions League this week so perhaps we'll get two...! I think Alex has definitely fallen out with the FA, they even had the cheek to ban him for two games from the dugout, and fine him £10,000...!

We were top of the league for a couple of hours on Saturday, it felt good to be back on top, makes me realise what could have been, if I'd have just shot 3 inches lower against Arsenal.

Bye for now...!

Your Equine Headed Friend Ruud

13:10:03
Post-International Week
I have been a bit bored this week thanks to Dick from Holland dropping me from my International squad (that's the last time I gob, throw my coat at him and kick a water bottle in his general direction). This meant that I have found time between races to try and make a bit of cash on the side and have taken a leaf out of Posh Spice's book and got into fashion. I have designed a new range of cool, headgear. Click here for a sneak preview...

I also managed to see Englands' game against Turkey on Saturday night which was great. I am really pleased that England are through to the finals, but what the Turk's did to David Beckham was disgraceful. I would never do anything like that, because as you know, like everything in life, I believe that the game of football should be played fairly and sportingly. What David Beckham did to Alpay was also inexcusable - when you are swinging for a player, you need to be a lot more subtle while the referee's back is turned, really open up those palms, knee's should be shoulder width apart, and with the head back, he should hav- oh, sorry, yeah getting a bit carried away there... any tips Dave, you know where I am (Stable 4 on the left, I go out to graze at 1 til 2...)

Anyway, it's back to domestic duty this week, so I will be submitting another diary entry later this week. It's good to be back in the saddle, makes me foal a lot more stable...

Bye from trackside for now,

Your Horse Faced Friend Ruud

11:10:03
International Week
We beat Birmingham this weekend, but one thing puzzles me slightly, why is it that during each game, when we get our standard FA penalty, do I always have to take it...? I scored this week, and I scored last week against Stuttgart, but I am getting fed up with taking them now. Can't someone else have a go, I am getting really tired, one in every game soon mounts up - still at least I'll get the golden penalty boot again this year.

Anyway, it seems as though Rio has started to catch that disease that Tim Howard has got (I think it's called Cloret's syndrome - have you ever smelt Rio's breath...?) after the Arsenal game, someone reminded him that he hadn't given the FA a sample of his urine. He started swearing like Tim and his funny turtle lips started quivering and he ran out of the room past me, really fast. Naturally I went to ground, but I didn't even get a free kick.

Anyway, I realise these diary entries are getting less funny, but hey ho, I'm sure I'll get it back soon, when my owner starts giving me more sugarlumps. I might get a funny one done this week as I've f*ck all else to do, bloody Dick Advocaat.

Bye for now,

Your Friend Ruud

03:10:03
Birmingham (away) tomorrow
After my triumphant performance in the Champions League this week (well, I played well thats what counts) I am really looking forward to going to Birmingham this week after the gaffer said he was going to give me a run out. (Where exactly is it...? I know Aintree, York and Doncaster but Birmingham...?).

Anyway, on the flight home from Germany, Lady Boy (Ronaldo to you - no, not the good one...) and I talked with Gary Neville about the sniper that seems to follow us around the world taking shots every time we get the ball. I feel sorry for Gary and Phil, but mostly for their mother, to have one "Special" child must be hard but TWO...? Sheesh. I like them though because when we go out I still have a chance of pulling the geldings with those two in tow. I've been out on the racecourse today practicing my new trick, I call it the "Innocent Little Me" where I pirouette and pirouette until I'm sick and then look all innocent and get the defender into trouble... it seems to be working...!

I'm still troubled at not being in the Dutch national squad but am getting over it as when I was reading the programme for last weekends game it said I was born in the Netherlands! So I'm not being dropped, I just have to find out who the Netherlands manager is, and to think all the time I wasted training with the Dutch...!

Must go and watch out Birmingham, I'll be dropping in (a box) near you soon...!

Your Friend Ruud.

02:10:03
Stuttgart (away)
Champions League action this week, my team Manchester United have actually won this competition, but you wouldn't know it - ITV hardly ever mention it. Anyways, what a day I have had, the worst since I was a foal, not only did we lose to Stuttgart in Germany 2-1, but I was dropped from Dick Advocaat's Internationalist Dutch Holland. I can't believe he dropped ME just because I kicked over a water bottle and spat on the ground by accident when I was substituted.

One good think to come out of yesterday though, was my spunky haired, lady boy, friend Ronaldo seems to learning well from me. He did a splendid dive to earn us a penalty which I duly dispatched as usual (well, so I have missed 3 in a row, but you know what I mean).

Finally, I have also bloody tits, been warned about, flip, piss, nob, spending too much time with our fricking goalie Tim Howard. That's, toss, not fair at all, but I will try to stay away from him if I can. Arsebiscuits.

Oh, and well done to Arsenal for being the only English team to get a point in the CL this week, following ours and Chelsea's dismal performances.check out my new site here.

Your Friend Ruud

27:09:03
Leicester (away)
We played Leicester today, and I scored a horse trick. They weren't very good and I didn't need to cheat much. After one foal, my stable mate Gary Neville came up to me and started pushing me around. He is ugly. I got scared and soiled my shorts a little until I realised he was only joking. I then joined in, I don't think anyone noticed my shorts, because I spend so much time on my backside that my shorts are always dirty...!

Its a tradition in this country to receive the match ball as a reward for a horse trick, I would settle for a sugar lump and a rub down by a stable lad any day. After a game I always like to get off the pitch as quickly as I can and hit the bar - hard...! I did this last week against Arsenal but not in that order - bah!

Anyway, back to Champions League action this week as I prepare to face Stuttgart. Bit of training beforehand, and I think Alex wants me to do some cantering, galloping and some jumping and diving to prepare.

See you later in the week...!

Your Friend Ruud.

16:09:03
Away on Holland Duty...

Sometimes I do not understand my crazy Holland team mates. The other day during training I was in the dressing room and felt someone brush past my fetlocks. Of course, I went to ground immediately and then looked up and saw it was Edgar Davids looking at me with a questioning look on his face. After I told an FIFA official what had happened I returned to the dressing room and now everyone was looking at me in a very hostile way, Edgar especially.

They started to ask me why I fell over as Edgar was only trying to get to his locker. I told them to relax but this seemed to make them more angry. I could not understand it. Edgar was looking at me and I noticed his glasses were getting very steamed up even though the showers were not on. He took them off and I said, as a joke, “You have no glasses”.

Before I knew what was going on Edgar had grabbed my throat and was trying to kill me. Fortunately the FIFA official came in and pulled Edgar off. It was strange that none of my other team mates were helping me because Edgar is very strong and I needed help. After all the officials dragged Edgar away Ronald De Boer asked me why I was such a c*nt and I laughed so much because Ronald is a great comedian and is always saying funny things to me, they are all a great bunch of lads really.

Next week I have been asked to help open a new Scuba Diving Store in my old town Twente. I am very much looking forward to going back to see everyone because I know people follow me on TV when I play for Manchester United. I have been told there will be 6 people there, including Mum, Dad, Brother, Sister, Uncle and Auntie Nistelrooij. It should be good and I will let you know what happened...!