My Fantasy XI

Ok, since I have had no match for a couple of days, I have managed to compile my list of a Fantasy XI for you all...

1. Bruce Grobelaar
My favourite goalie of all time, the way he used to shake his crazy legs before a penalty always used to make me laugh. I also liked the way he took bribes and conned ots of people.

2. Lee Bowyer
Lee is a great friend of mine, he loves to make a meal of challenges, especially one which springs to mind when Dennis Bergkamp tackled him once. Dennis crossed for Thierry Henry to score but Lee almost got an undeserved free kick.

3. Maradona
The biggest cheat of them all - Diego Maradone - now a coke fiend loony, Maradona once scored a goal against England with his hand. I will try to score some goals with my hooves to emulate the big fat drugged up cheater.

4. Wayne Rooney
He is like my new foal, I have been teaching him well, especially when you see his dive to earn me my customary penalty at Old Trafford in October 2004. The pirouette, the dive, the reaction was all so perfect, what a teacher I am.

5.  Emile Heskey
Ah, now we are talking, this big fat, lazy oaf loves to dive about the place looking for penalty kicks. He's always tumbling around, just like the go-lightlys off of Beadle's About, my favourite programme when I was a gelding...

6.  Greg Louganis
Once hit his head on the diving board - ouch! Still he's ok now - another man with a great diving technique - I learnt a lot from him and loved him in Honey I think I Shrunk the Kids...

7.  Robert Pires
A new addition to my list of favourites, this is 'cos of his stumble against Portsmouth a couple of weeks ago. The French boy did well because the defender didn't touch him, but he went down like er... me - to earn Arsenal an equalising penalty - nice work Robert, you've got class...!

8.  David Ginola
Another player who liked to go down as quick as Roy Keane's Mum. Had some great pitch battles with Arsenal's Lee Dixon, yet another so-called great Spurs Legend who won f*ck all with the mid-table no-hopers.

9.  Francis Jeffers
This jugsy eared scouser used to play for my friends at Arsenal, he is now back in Liverpool playing for Everton with fat Wayne Rooney. While at Arsenal he got himself a name as a bit of a diver - just what I like to hear...!

10. Rivaldo
The Brazilian skeleton, who during a World Cup match with Turkey managed to make it look like the ball had hit im in the face, despite it being nowhere near...! Still, it got someone sent off, so it wasn't in vein...!

11. Jurgen Klinsmann
A legend in Germany, and a fraudster in England, plying his trade for First Division no-hopers Tottingham Hotspurs. He was best known in England for driving round in a Beetle and diving around penalty boxes trying to con the ref - he is my hero.

Suggestions for any additions to my team are welcome, I still need some subsititutes...